The Dream

This is an attempt to share an intriguing / profound experience of mine. For the loss of empathy that I had for this experience with many around me and inhibition to share a personal experience, I have refrained from talking to even close friends. I shared this as an email with a group that I acquainted in the same place where I had this experience, but I did not get any response. Looks like I took too much for given that they would spare time for this. However, I did not want this experience to be undocumented. May be I will find some who will relate to this. So I will publish this as my second soliloquy.  So here it goes! This took place sometime in January 2015.

For the last few weeks, I have been visiting the Shiridi Sai Baba temple every day. With the priest being a relative and friend – it is an added motivation, I spend almost 5 to 6 hours in the temple. I do some work with him, attend my calls and I do most of my timely anushtaanams and some Rudram lessons there itself.

This has been my routine. I have a reasonable traction on my rudram lessons and I will be commencing Mahanyaasam tomorrow. I learnt the Aartis too here. Many of these aspects which I wanted to learn for the last 20 years, got accomplished here in the last 20 days.

Earlier this week, one night I had a dream. It is as follows: There were some chores being done in the temple of which I was a part of. The temple, as you all know, has the Baba Idol on a large white marble podium.

It so happened that, there was some oil spill near the podium and I walked towards the podium near the oil spill which was spread across a 2 by 4 feet space. I heard a faint voice admonishing me about the same and the imminent danger. I however went ahead. I slid and fell so bad that I hurt my head with a thunderous hit, twice as I slid and could not control the slide. The hit was so hard that, that it blinded me for 2 minutes and created such a sonorous tinnitus (a ringing or similar sensation of sound in the ears) sound in my ear that it was my worst ever, most amplitudinous noise I ever experienced in my ear (ever since I was diagnosed of this 4 years ago). I could not open my eyes as I felt the vibration in my skull due the hit coupled with the reverberation of the noise that it hence created.

While I am explaining this (to you) as an incident in the dream...... the above... I have experienced it on my body as I was laying on the bed.

I was desperately - in dream and as well as in my waking state in the middle of the night - trying to open my eyes and see at least the idol , in front of which I was , but could not see anything... I believe I managed to open the eyes (both in the dream and waking state) and I could see a faint reflection of yellow light (emanated by the foot lamp) on the wall after some time... and that was then I came to realize I had a dream.

I felt the head hitting the podium .. twice, .... sightlessness for 20 minutes soon after the experience of the hit and I felt the slide and I experienced the sonorous reverberation in the ear , the noise at its shrillest peak, for 3 hours and for 10 more hours all day along in a lesser degree.. with a head ache too.

I cannot refute or deny myself the feeling of the hard hit on my skull, the physicality of the contractions on my head, the reverberation of the hit I felt on the head, the noise in ear for 10 hours and the vibration that the noise created on my head / skull and the after effect it had on me for the next 12 hours. I simply cannot deny, refute or forget the physicality of the entire experience for whatever the duration of the dream – and with the aftermath of it lasting for 12 hours.

I also remember that in my dream state, I was wanting to seek help and call 911.. which I did not. I lay on the bed for 2 hours, afraid to get down, even to reach out to the water bottle fearing I will stumble.

It took 2 hours to gather myself in the middle of the night....

I had an inexplicable feeling. I was doing the Sai Satcharitra too all these days and was consciously reading all the experiences documented in the book. I somehow felt, I had a divine opportunity to be around in the temple for a long time but never closer to him. So near yet so far....I had my head hit HIS pedestal but I did not get even a faint glimpse of it... I felt and still feel crest fallen about the fact that I did not get that vision, regardless of the fact that I keep seeing HIM daily.

I narrated this incident to Chaitanya Sarma. He is a good priest trained from the order of Sringeri. Known to my family. So we began to vibe well and he teaches me Rudram.

He informed me of the teaching / learning he received from his Guru s - that some of the praarabdhams of ours, which we ought to pay for, we live them out in thedream state as well and this could be one of it. And also possibly be an indication of some danger one might have averted or paid for.

May be he is right and I wish he is. But I do not know what to infer for myself. Normally we forget the dreams as they came. Dreams do not last for more than a minute but make you feel that they last for hours. In this situation, I remember every moment of it even today, 4 to 5 days after it occurred.

I do not know if I am living a hangover of an unfulfilled desire. May be I am. May be I am living out my past far too much and not letting go. There will be for men, many internal conversations of many things to be done and realized for – which many a time take away the consciousness of the present. I do not know nor do I want to conclude.

So to sum it up. I have my interpretations from my experience…a life that we lead which is still incomplete, and a subconscious unwillingness to surrender.

Finally - I do not know what to learn or infer from the dream. From a spiritual standpoint - in as much as I can apply some pragmatism to it... - I think I am not my own man still, I do not know if I will ever be.

In the presence of Baba, I derive some kind of audacity about myself that to let things happen – and take things as they come –with a willing acceptance – not fatalistic but based on awareness.

I think , I will and should - continue on my pursuits - of all kinds.... and leave it all to GOD's good humor... and only wish to GOD that the conviction stays intact...

It has not been a bed of roses...and it has not been a way full of thorns either. This experience instills a lot of more faith in HIM --- which reflects in myself possibly. I realize I am not attribute-less still.. not the Nirgun that I aspire to BE...

I think, in the end, it is OK and worth it to burn in hell as long as all else is taken care of - After all everyone you love and care for are healthy and happy and I have no complaints.

I conclude by borrowing a line from the divine work of Shri Hemadpant -- Bow to Shri Sai.. Peace be to all!!

Sairam!